“I want to
ask you something,” she began, then paused, searching for words. “It’s too
embarrassing to tell anyone I know, but I thought you might have a suggestion. My
husband is retired and I just recently discovered that he… he…well, I caught
him looking at porn. I found out he’s
been doing it for awhile.”
My heart
broke for her. The day had been filled with Catholic inspiration and joy, but
this woman carried a secret burden. I don’t remember my suggestion, but I know
it felt inadequate. Back then, there was a dearth of Catholic resources for a
scourge that has continued to grow. But
now, there are specific Catholic resources to help.
U.S. Bishops Address Porn
Last
November, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops addressed
pornography in the document: Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral
Response to Pornography. They call it "a mortal sin that needs to be confessed
in order for the person to receive God's forgiveness. ” The bishops noted it is
widespread and men are not the only ones that become addicted. They also strongly
encouraged spouses.
“You are not
alone, nor are you to blame for your spouse’s pornography use,” they explained.
“The Church accompanies you with love and tenderness as you confront this sin
and its effects on your marriage and family life. You have been deeply hurt.
You feel betrayed, deceived, and even traumatized….”
The bishops
stated that God wants to heal marriages and that a spouse can be a source of
strength and support. “For those of you
whose spouse is in denial or rejects help, know that the Church is here for
you.”
Recovery and Support for Wives
Dr. Peter
Kleponis, the Assistant
Director and a marriage and a family therapist at the Comprehensive Counseling
Services and Institute for
Marital Healing, specializes in helping men overcome pornography
addictions. He is the author of Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the
Battle Against Pornography and the new workbook: Integrity Starts Here! A Catholic
Approach to Restoring Sexual Integrity.
In an interview, Kleponis
explained how he has also helped wives to cope with their husband’s addiction. He used the
example of a client, Monica, who was devastated to discover her husband Kyle
was using pornography (not real names). “He refused to get outside help but promised
her that he would never view pornography again,” Kleponis said. Since Kyle
would not go to counseling, Monica went alone to learn how to help. She began her own recovery process, which
included counseling, a support group, and spiritual direction.
“At first,
Kyle was taken aback by Monica’s insistence that he enter a recovery program,”
Kleponis said. “However, he eventually admitted he was grateful for it.” It took several years for them to restore
their marriage, but he explained that trust can take a long time to heal.
People should keep in
mind that scientists
recognize addiction as a chronic disease that changes the brain’s structure and
function, according to Kleponis. Thus, keeping resolutions are extremely
difficult to do without professional help.
“There is also a spiritual battle raging
on,” he said. “Turning to God adds divine power to follow a
treatment plan. Satan and his minions want to destroy individual lives,
marriages, families, careers, and our whole society.”
Kleponis warned there will be temptations and challenges along
the way, but not to be discouraged because even in the falls, God can continue
to draw closer and build us up.
Dr. Kleponis’s 5 Strategies for Wives.
1. Realize
that pornography is a sin, but an addiction is a disease, like alcoholism. As such, it requires professional treatment.
Viewing it as a disease makes it easier confront a husband without shaming or
ridiculing him and to seek recovery.
2. A
wife is never responsible. It was his decision and it’s his responsibility to
work on his recovery. Your job is to
pray for him daily and give him love and moral support.
3. Shame
keeps most addicts from getting help.
They may believe no one could ever love them now, especially God. A husband needs his wife’s compassion and
mercy.
4. Insist
your husband enter a recovery program. It should include individual and marital
counseling, a sobriety plan, support group attendance, Catholic spirituality,
education in healthy intimacy and sexuality, and growth in virtue. Let him know that if he choses not to enter a recovery program it could
jeopardize the marriage. That’s how serious this is!
5. Provide
your husband with resources (and familiarize yourself with them) to understand
recovery, such as Integrity Starts Here! A Catholic
Approach to Restoring Sexual Integrity.
The U.S. Catholic Bishops Suggestions for
Spouses
6. Pray
for your spouse’s change of heart and seek opportunities to encourage him or
her.
7. Set
clear boundaries. If possible, such as
installing an online monitoring program, clearing the home of any pornography.
8. Refuse
to be used as an excuse for your spouse’s pornography use.
9. Take
care of your own health.
10. Get support. There are support groups and counselors for spouses of addicted persons that can help you in this struggle.
10. Get support. There are support groups and counselors for spouses of addicted persons that can help you in this struggle.
Catholic
Resources
o Go to Souls and Hearts for support and an online course called "Be True: Restoring Your Marriage After the Discovery of Pornography" It is designed for a couple to work together, but a wife can gain a great deal of insight on her own too.
◦ Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography Chapters 4, 5, 11 & 15 are especially for wives.
◦ Catholic.com – Overcoming Porn Addition
◦ Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple's Journey to Freedom from Pornography by Jen & Craig Ferguson
◦ by Stephanie Carnes
◦ A L.i.f.e. Guide for Spouses by Melissa Haas
(Copyright: Patti
Maguire Armstrong 2016 Illustration: “Sad Woman” Gyula Basch [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
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