When we say I do we should also say, I won’t—I won’t use my words to hurt my
spouse. Infidelity, addictions, and other major destructive behaviors can
inflict mortal wounds on a marriage. But
perhaps the greatest source of damage on relationships is the seemingly less
harmful ones, particularly the cuts to the heart made through unkind speech.
spouse. Infidelity, addictions, and other major destructive behaviors can
inflict mortal wounds on a marriage. But
perhaps the greatest source of damage on relationships is the seemingly less
harmful ones, particularly the cuts to the heart made through unkind speech.
Sharp words
creep into a relationship gradually, then habitually. No one tries to win the heart of another this
way, yet, when the relationship seems sure and becomes routine, critical words
often show up.
creep into a relationship gradually, then habitually. No one tries to win the heart of another this
way, yet, when the relationship seems sure and becomes routine, critical words
often show up.
It could be too
little sleep or too much stress that shortens a fuse and begets angry words. Or
irritation and disagreement often leads to venting. An apology and the resolve to take greater
care in the future could set things right again. Yet, for many, the irritations and criticisms
become common and malignant, slowly leaching away at the store of good feeling upon which undying love was pledged.
little sleep or too much stress that shortens a fuse and begets angry words. Or
irritation and disagreement often leads to venting. An apology and the resolve to take greater
care in the future could set things right again. Yet, for many, the irritations and criticisms
become common and malignant, slowly leaching away at the store of good feeling upon which undying love was pledged.
Interview with Fr. Gary Benz
 |
| Fr. Gary Benz |
In an interview with Fr.
Gary Benz, Pastor of Queen of the Most Holy Rosary in Stanley, ND, he
noted that in spite of marriage problems being blamed on a lack of
communication, he frequently witnesses something else.
“In our time, a staple of advice given
to married couples is the need to communicate,” he said. “You have to talk to each other; you have to
communicate daily.” However, he noted
that often, the problem is not so much a lack of communication, but too much
negative communication.
Gary Benz, Pastor of Queen of the Most Holy Rosary in Stanley, ND, he
noted that in spite of marriage problems being blamed on a lack of
communication, he frequently witnesses something else.
“In our time, a staple of advice given
to married couples is the need to communicate,” he said. “You have to talk to each other; you have to
communicate daily.” However, he noted
that often, the problem is not so much a lack of communication, but too much
negative communication.
“Married
couples, I find, do talk to each other, but they are saying the wrong
things,” he said. “They put one another
down; they constantly point out one another’s faults; they make selfish
demands; they tell their spouse to be quiet; or they bombard their spouse with
words of anger or disdain. Yes, technically, these are forms of
communication, but they do little good within married life.”
couples, I find, do talk to each other, but they are saying the wrong
things,” he said. “They put one another
down; they constantly point out one another’s faults; they make selfish
demands; they tell their spouse to be quiet; or they bombard their spouse with
words of anger or disdain. Yes, technically, these are forms of
communication, but they do little good within married life.”
According to Fr. Benz, communication in marriage
should be rooted in love. “Saint Paul reminds Christians, including married
couples, in his First Letter to the Corinthians that love is kind; it is not
arrogant; it is not rude; it is not irritable; it is not resentful; etc.” He said that true communication in marriage
is to communicate like Christ, who is love.
should be rooted in love. “Saint Paul reminds Christians, including married
couples, in his First Letter to the Corinthians that love is kind; it is not
arrogant; it is not rude; it is not irritable; it is not resentful; etc.” He said that true communication in marriage
is to communicate like Christ, who is love.
“Jesus’ words to us are always kind, loving, merciful,
good, and gentle,” Fr. Benz said.
“Couples must imitate this Christ-like way of communication. In doing
so, they will have great peace and love within marriage and some day when their
spouse passes from this life, they will live with no regrets.
good, and gentle,” Fr. Benz said.
“Couples must imitate this Christ-like way of communication. In doing
so, they will have great peace and love within marriage and some day when their
spouse passes from this life, they will live with no regrets.
Harsh Words Don’t Fix Problems
We don’t need
surveys to tell us, or counseling to show us: negative comments evoke negative
feelings while positive comments evoke positive feelings. Whatever the problem, verbal lashing out is
not the solution. Nor does responding in kind when the other starts it make things better. A spouse is less
likely to see the error in his or her ways when the partner lashes back. The end result is two people using anger rather than love as ammunition.
surveys to tell us, or counseling to show us: negative comments evoke negative
feelings while positive comments evoke positive feelings. Whatever the problem, verbal lashing out is
not the solution. Nor does responding in kind when the other starts it make things better. A spouse is less
likely to see the error in his or her ways when the partner lashes back. The end result is two people using anger rather than love as ammunition.
Using the mouth
as a weapon is not always apparent.
Women sharing complaints about their husbands often view their activity
as mere entertainment among friends rather than the disrespect against the dignity of
their husbands that it is. Or husbands, making fun of their wives for one reason or
another may think it’s just being manly or poking fun
as a weapon is not always apparent.
Women sharing complaints about their husbands often view their activity
as mere entertainment among friends rather than the disrespect against the dignity of
their husbands that it is. Or husbands, making fun of their wives for one reason or
another may think it’s just being manly or poking fun
.
Comparing,
belittling, complaining, criticizing…the urges can emanate in part from
family-of-origin modeling, but in the end, the words we chose are from our own
mouths and thus our own responsibility. Are you speaking words of life into your marriage or slowly killing it? We can sow love or sow discontent with our words but either way, we will
reap the harvest.
belittling, complaining, criticizing…the urges can emanate in part from
family-of-origin modeling, but in the end, the words we chose are from our own
mouths and thus our own responsibility. Are you speaking words of life into your marriage or slowly killing it? We can sow love or sow discontent with our words but either way, we will
reap the harvest.
_________________________________________________
For more inspiration, check out Big Hearted: Inspiring Stories From Everyday Families. Your children will laugh while learning big spiritual lessons with Dear God, I Don’t Get It! and Dear God, You Can’t Be Serious.
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at Dear God Books, Big Hearted Families and Catholic News & Inspiration on Facebook.
